My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours