Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
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Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Same pineapple, same
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I have two kinds of followers
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.