“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
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[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.