If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
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learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
The Onion called it…again.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
and now we wait