If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
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Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”