Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.