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Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear