Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Practicing safe sax
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief