To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.