BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
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Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.