Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
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Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
dutch is not a serious language
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
It was worth a shot 😂
two people or more is called a problem
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive