her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
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Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Actually cracking up @ this
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Poetry is my passion
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.