I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
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If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.