Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
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[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Last-minute gift idea!
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.