The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.