Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
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My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
back to work
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
2023 was just a warmup
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.