This is me
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[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.