16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
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what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
couldn’t resist
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
The news in a nutshell.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing