Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
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Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.