Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
You Might Also Like
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Now this is how you LinkedIn