Meanwhile in Paris.. 馃檹
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Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he鈥檒l be going back to kindergarten.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn鈥檛 working.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I鈥檓 put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you鈥檙e a fan of buildings I鈥檝e got some bad news for you.
The point of your 20s
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe鈥檚 when you鈥檙e starving to death.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?