(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
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I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
When you’re Kinky but poor
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.