Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
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Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
All. The. Damn. Time.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.