Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
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“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
こいつ天才
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth