I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Ron is short for Aaronald
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.