Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
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If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza