Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book