Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
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Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
incredible
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”