I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
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[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Perfection.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.