Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
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Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.