Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
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Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.