You Might Also Like
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!