I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
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it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife