Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
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My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
We’ve come full circle
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”