Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
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A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Why soy sad?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.