This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
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The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
*mops up wine with cat*
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Yup.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.