Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
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him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Risking my life for fun.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I never needed anything more in my life
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you