Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
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Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.