crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
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There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.