Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
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Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.