Penguins walking in 5x speed
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My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
every single time
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more