Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
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Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
When the stylist spins you back around
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
“what that mouth do?” complain
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet