I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
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My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
This made me chuckle.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.