me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
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Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Coffee is ready.
No laws when master is gone
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow