Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)