If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
i choose….tongue