People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
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Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN