#Caturday
Thick as shit.
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My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.