Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.