My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
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doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
girls literally only want one thing..
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.